Me: So ya know....
Jesus: Uh oh I can smell this one and its a stinker...
Me: No trust me, this one is like fuckin aromatherapy ... n shit
Jesus: Aromatherapy n shit... they should market that
Me: If it smells like my natural essence they should bottle it
Jesus: Essence
Me: Ya, so ya know how some days ya wake up and you just know that everything you touch is better than gold... platinum even.
Jesus: Would you dare to say Bling even? Ice perhaps?
Me: Wow, you're like right there with me. Ya, Ice baby! You feel so on top if it all that even yo shit seems like you're passing golden nuggets or rocks. Like there were frickin leprechauns up there spinning out a pot o gold. And you're like how the shit did leprechauns get up there? But you realize, shit, I'll let them stay if it means Im shittin gold
Jesus: Ya, life is great, everything is golden... and leprechauns have camped out in your darkness.
Me: That's a pretty frickin eventful day if you ask me.
Jesus: Was there a question before the leprechauns took over your anus?
Me: There are those golden days where the second you wake up, you know its going to be a golden leprechaun ass day. But where does that come from? And why aren't the leprechauns there every day? Where do they go when you aint shittin gold?
Jesus: Leprechauns needs off days too. They need a few days off to kick back a few Guinness or Black Velvet. You know, workin conditions aren't so great up there in your darkness.
Me: I clean house... but ya I got ya
Jesus: Union
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Nike!
Me: I dont want to complain anyone
Jesus: I'm sorry... were you just complaining that you complain too much?
Me: Exactly
Jesus: It's like I know exactly what you are thinking... AMAZING!
Me: ummmm ya... So no complaints. No overthinking. Just do....
Jesus: NIKE BITCH!!! Nike!
Me: Who knew advertising execs were like zen philosophers
Jesus: Right here... me me me
Me: Nike!
Jesus: I'm sorry... were you just complaining that you complain too much?
Me: Exactly
Jesus: It's like I know exactly what you are thinking... AMAZING!
Me: ummmm ya... So no complaints. No overthinking. Just do....
Jesus: NIKE BITCH!!! Nike!
Me: Who knew advertising execs were like zen philosophers
Jesus: Right here... me me me
Me: Nike!
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Gay, JesusJunkie, GodSquad, Homeymidwest transplant, or Starbucks?
Me: So I never really fall for gay boys
Jesus: Ya, you're kinda masochistic like that.
Me: Well homos are just soo ...
Jesus: Gay?
Me: Ya, you took the word right outta my mouth
Jesus: Ya that one was really hard. It took some real brain power.
Me: OK, well I think I might have found a homo!!!
Jesus: Finally
Me: Well actually I dont know
Jesus: figures
Me: I need some help on this one. Can I at least have a new updated gaydar? Mine kinda sucks and sometimes faghags have a better one than I do.
Jesus: Are you sure yours isnt working? Or do you just not like what you are picking up on your gaydar?
Me: hmmmm. Im not sure. Maybe both. But back to the guy!
Jesus: oh yeah. Go ahead tell me about your little faggot crush
Me: That ain't right! You know I would never go for a little faggot. But Im not even sure if he is gay!
Jesus: Of course. Damn you do need a better gaydar.
Me: He works at Starbucks
Jesus: Another one!!!! You are fuckin ridiculous! Do you only allow yourself to have a crush on starbucks workers?
Me: I know! I know! But this is far worse. I dont even know if the guy is gay. I have no idea.
Jesus: Clues?
Me: He is really nice, pleasant smile and demeanor, and its like his face lights up when he smiles, even though he isnt smiling that big.
Jesus: WOW that was really homo!!! hahahahh Is that the most homo I have ever heard you without intentionally gaying it up?
Me: Shit was it? Arg I dont care
Jesus: That's you're only clue? OK the way you said it was supergay but how does being nice and having a nice smile make him gay?
Me: OK here is the thing
Jesus: OK this sounds like its going to turn into somthing ridiculous
Me: Straight guys are only nice in a certain way. WHen they smile its not quite the same. I cant quite place it. Its like they only smile with thier mouth
Jesus: as opposed to their hands... cuz gays like to use the jazzhands ya know
Me: Haha SHUTUP! You know what I mean. It's almost like, for the most part, the average straight guy smiles with just his mouth while gay guys, their whole face changes when they smile or something. Ijeoma says gay guys eyes are usually more expressive when smiling. I agree and think even the rest of the face muscles might also be used more. His whole demeanor slightly changes when he smiles. which is not typical straightboy. There are a few exceptions though.
Jesus: Exceptions? fill me in
Me: OK I think he can call under a few different catgories or a mix of them: Gay, Homey Midwestern Transplant, Christian (the love everyone kind, not the ultraconservative judgemental kind), or Starbucks.
Jesus What the...
Me: Im serious. There is a certain kind of nice attitude or demeanor or niceness that only people in these categories with maybe a few random exceptions here or there. And those really nice guy exceptions, alot of people think they are gay!
Jesus: Hmmm OK you kinda have a point. Does this mean straight guys are mean?
Me: No just a different kinda nice. Usually people who have some Jesus (or other spirituality), or are open and free, or are socialable and inviting have this kinda niceness and smile. Hence: Gay, JesusJunkie, GodSquad, Homeymidwest transplant, or Starbucks worker.
Jesus: But you got nothing else.
Me: I got nothing. So now .. I dont know
Jesus: Screw it, just ask the homofucker out!
Me: What?!?!?
Jesus: You really dont have much opportunity. You only see the cocksucker in the drivethru. What kinda longwinded lame scheme are you gonna be able to come up with to find out if he'd like his latte with a side of penis or pussy. Stop holding your dick in your had and waiting for someone to grab it! Just go!
Me: wooooo
Jesus: Grab that venti vanilla frap with an extra shot and cream
Jesus: Ya, you're kinda masochistic like that.
Me: Well homos are just soo ...
Jesus: Gay?
Me: Ya, you took the word right outta my mouth
Jesus: Ya that one was really hard. It took some real brain power.
Me: OK, well I think I might have found a homo!!!
Jesus: Finally
Me: Well actually I dont know
Jesus: figures
Me: I need some help on this one. Can I at least have a new updated gaydar? Mine kinda sucks and sometimes faghags have a better one than I do.
Jesus: Are you sure yours isnt working? Or do you just not like what you are picking up on your gaydar?
Me: hmmmm. Im not sure. Maybe both. But back to the guy!
Jesus: oh yeah. Go ahead tell me about your little faggot crush
Me: That ain't right! You know I would never go for a little faggot. But Im not even sure if he is gay!
Jesus: Of course. Damn you do need a better gaydar.
Me: He works at Starbucks
Jesus: Another one!!!! You are fuckin ridiculous! Do you only allow yourself to have a crush on starbucks workers?
Me: I know! I know! But this is far worse. I dont even know if the guy is gay. I have no idea.
Jesus: Clues?
Me: He is really nice, pleasant smile and demeanor, and its like his face lights up when he smiles, even though he isnt smiling that big.
Jesus: WOW that was really homo!!! hahahahh Is that the most homo I have ever heard you without intentionally gaying it up?
Me: Shit was it? Arg I dont care
Jesus: That's you're only clue? OK the way you said it was supergay but how does being nice and having a nice smile make him gay?
Me: OK here is the thing
Jesus: OK this sounds like its going to turn into somthing ridiculous
Me: Straight guys are only nice in a certain way. WHen they smile its not quite the same. I cant quite place it. Its like they only smile with thier mouth
Jesus: as opposed to their hands... cuz gays like to use the jazzhands ya know
Me: Haha SHUTUP! You know what I mean. It's almost like, for the most part, the average straight guy smiles with just his mouth while gay guys, their whole face changes when they smile or something. Ijeoma says gay guys eyes are usually more expressive when smiling. I agree and think even the rest of the face muscles might also be used more. His whole demeanor slightly changes when he smiles. which is not typical straightboy. There are a few exceptions though.
Jesus: Exceptions? fill me in
Me: OK I think he can call under a few different catgories or a mix of them: Gay, Homey Midwestern Transplant, Christian (the love everyone kind, not the ultraconservative judgemental kind), or Starbucks.
Jesus What the...
Me: Im serious. There is a certain kind of nice attitude or demeanor or niceness that only people in these categories with maybe a few random exceptions here or there. And those really nice guy exceptions, alot of people think they are gay!
Jesus: Hmmm OK you kinda have a point. Does this mean straight guys are mean?
Me: No just a different kinda nice. Usually people who have some Jesus (or other spirituality), or are open and free, or are socialable and inviting have this kinda niceness and smile. Hence: Gay, JesusJunkie, GodSquad, Homeymidwest transplant, or Starbucks worker.
Jesus: But you got nothing else.
Me: I got nothing. So now .. I dont know
Jesus: Screw it, just ask the homofucker out!
Me: What?!?!?
Jesus: You really dont have much opportunity. You only see the cocksucker in the drivethru. What kinda longwinded lame scheme are you gonna be able to come up with to find out if he'd like his latte with a side of penis or pussy. Stop holding your dick in your had and waiting for someone to grab it! Just go!
Me: wooooo
Jesus: Grab that venti vanilla frap with an extra shot and cream
Sunday, February 4, 2007
How 'bout them Bears?
Me: So its Super bowl Sunday!
Jesus: I know! I can't wait wait to find out who wins!
Me: Wait... shut up
Jesus: Aren't you excited like every other redblooded American?
Me: Well I wont be able to watch because I work
Jesus: Sucks to be you... This thing is like bigger than Jesus, well football is bigger than Jesus in Ameica, as opposed to futbol
Me: That aint right, dont go all Lennon on me. To be honest I'm not as interested this year
Jesus: Oh come on! Hot sweaty guys in tight pants tackling each other and getting all dirty? You know you love it
Me: I dont know
Jesus: It's cuz your Tommy isnt there isnt it?
Me: Wow you really get me.
Jesus: Ya I gave Peyton more talent and the numbers ... but that Tom Brady he got some talent and all the looks and 3 rings
Me: I guess that kinda balances out a little. I think I would have settled for Phillip Rivers too
Jesus: Not as hot as Brady though... damn
Me: Now you're scaring me.
Jesus: You love it when I cater my persona to yours...
Me: Dude there's a line, and I think you crossed it
Jesus: I'm comfortable with my...
Me: WOW ... thats like Parents talking about... it... switch topics
Jesus: How 'bout those Bears? Rex Grossman aint that....
Me: Hahahah Stop it... he is sorta cute though
Jesus: I was gonna say he aint as bad as everyone is saying... Don't you watch for anything but the cutie QBs? And what... bears aren't your preference?
Me: I'm not answering that... I enjoy watching the game, I just follow the teams with the hot QBs... Can you start letting the Cardinals and the Buccaneers win and get more coverage?
Jesus: I know! I can't wait wait to find out who wins!
Me: Wait... shut up
Jesus: Aren't you excited like every other redblooded American?
Me: Well I wont be able to watch because I work
Jesus: Sucks to be you... This thing is like bigger than Jesus, well football is bigger than Jesus in Ameica, as opposed to futbol
Me: That aint right, dont go all Lennon on me. To be honest I'm not as interested this year
Jesus: Oh come on! Hot sweaty guys in tight pants tackling each other and getting all dirty? You know you love it
Me: I dont know
Jesus: It's cuz your Tommy isnt there isnt it?
Me: Wow you really get me.
Jesus: Ya I gave Peyton more talent and the numbers ... but that Tom Brady he got some talent and all the looks and 3 rings
Me: I guess that kinda balances out a little. I think I would have settled for Phillip Rivers too
Jesus: Not as hot as Brady though... damn
Me: Now you're scaring me.
Jesus: You love it when I cater my persona to yours...
Me: Dude there's a line, and I think you crossed it
Jesus: I'm comfortable with my...
Me: WOW ... thats like Parents talking about... it... switch topics
Jesus: How 'bout those Bears? Rex Grossman aint that....
Me: Hahahah Stop it... he is sorta cute though
Jesus: I was gonna say he aint as bad as everyone is saying... Don't you watch for anything but the cutie QBs? And what... bears aren't your preference?
Me: I'm not answering that... I enjoy watching the game, I just follow the teams with the hot QBs... Can you start letting the Cardinals and the Buccaneers win and get more coverage?
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Hold on!
Me: I'm wuite proud of myself
Jesus: What did you do?
Me: No no, its what I didn't do!
Jesus: Is this where I'm supposed to tell you to go on? I kinda feel like I might regret it.
Me: I didn't grab of fondle one single tit last nite! Isnt that great? Not ONE! Well I grazezd a couple of them but that was purely accidental. And comlimenting some girl on her how I'm strangly drawn to her boobies when she's got a tattoo across the entire set... Well I can't be blamed for that ... and I didnt even touch them!
Jesus: You really feel special for not touching them?
Me: Ya, I was drunk and you know how appealing they can be when there is not gay cock in the room... OK there was, but I didnt want any of those penises. Do you want me to grab penis instead? ... that is kinda hard to get at too.
Jesus: What?
Me: There is more of an angle, and they are hidden behind pants, usually jeans. That's thicker material than a thin tshirt or tank top. Boobies... those are a clean straight shot Bam, you're there.
Jesus: You just shouldnt be grabbing girls boobies like that.
Me: You made them!
Jesus: Yes, but you shouldnt be grabbibg tits, and besides you're gay!
Me: Dude, send me some good penis and I'll grab it and hold on to it for life! And not straight penis! I have enough problems with that. No more str8 penis, unless you turn it homo without any drama
But arent you proud... I didnt grab 1!!!
Jesus: Wow... its like watching a graduation or baby taking its first steps Im so proud
Me: Seriously, that took some effort. It super hard when there is no good gay penis around , and even if there were its sometimes intimidating. But Ijeoma and Maria helped, they had to scold me not to grab anything last nite. See, once you send me some penis I can hold on to, I wont need to dick around with boobies. Thanks for my own penis, I love it, but i need another, with a cute intelligent charming goofy dorky boy attached.
Jesus: Just hold on to your wood. It will happen soon enough
Jesus: What did you do?
Me: No no, its what I didn't do!
Jesus: Is this where I'm supposed to tell you to go on? I kinda feel like I might regret it.
Me: I didn't grab of fondle one single tit last nite! Isnt that great? Not ONE! Well I grazezd a couple of them but that was purely accidental. And comlimenting some girl on her how I'm strangly drawn to her boobies when she's got a tattoo across the entire set... Well I can't be blamed for that ... and I didnt even touch them!
Jesus: You really feel special for not touching them?
Me: Ya, I was drunk and you know how appealing they can be when there is not gay cock in the room... OK there was, but I didnt want any of those penises. Do you want me to grab penis instead? ... that is kinda hard to get at too.
Jesus: What?
Me: There is more of an angle, and they are hidden behind pants, usually jeans. That's thicker material than a thin tshirt or tank top. Boobies... those are a clean straight shot Bam, you're there.
Jesus: You just shouldnt be grabbing girls boobies like that.
Me: You made them!
Jesus: Yes, but you shouldnt be grabbibg tits, and besides you're gay!
Me: Dude, send me some good penis and I'll grab it and hold on to it for life! And not straight penis! I have enough problems with that. No more str8 penis, unless you turn it homo without any drama
But arent you proud... I didnt grab 1!!!
Jesus: Wow... its like watching a graduation or baby taking its first steps Im so proud
Me: Seriously, that took some effort. It super hard when there is no good gay penis around , and even if there were its sometimes intimidating. But Ijeoma and Maria helped, they had to scold me not to grab anything last nite. See, once you send me some penis I can hold on to, I wont need to dick around with boobies. Thanks for my own penis, I love it, but i need another, with a cute intelligent charming goofy dorky boy attached.
Jesus: Just hold on to your wood. It will happen soon enough
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Heaven
Me: So I was thinking...
Jesus: I'm already not liking how this is starting
Me: I think i was having one of those not so great days
Jesus: Are you gonna start whining? You know I ain't got time for that shit
Me: no but... Hey why you gotta be all crass n shit. I'm like... sensative
Jesus: Did you just pull a stinky lump of shit out your ass n serve it like its fried chicken? The Colonel aint playin that
Me: Wow Fried Chicken sounds amazing!
Jesus: Uh uh. Dont try to avoid this topic... Dont tell me you're mr sensative when you got all these walls up. And if I were to come at you all sweet and sappy like that 2 footsteps in the sand suddenly turning into 1 set of steps crap, that other christians eat up, you would just barf ... immediately. You hate that sappy shit
Me: Damn... this is why you're Jesus. Perfect, you know how to come at me perfectly
Jesus: Now finish your story
Me: OK so I think I might actually have been thinking about food and knowing I need to work out and lose weight, or maybe I was thinking about wanting a boyfriend but always seem to only fall for straight guys
Jesus: thats def possible, that last one is always on your mind.
Me: So I was just kinda wandering in thought and thinking about how great it would be if things were perfect, like eat what i want with no consequences, not have to work, money not ever being an issue/problem. And my mind naturally started wandering towards hot ass boys
Jesus: Naturally... what everyone wants... of course
Me: Right! So I started thinking about heaven. And this got me thinking what heaven would be like, cuz the perfect heaven would have half or fully naked boys everywhere and they would all be kinda dorky and in love with me .... well not all of them, and jizz wouldnt be sticky, and there would be no children, and I could pluck fried chicken from trees without getting fat or getting my fingers dirty n greasy... BUT somehow still be able to lick my fingers and get flavor from holding the chicken
Jesus: That last part does sound amazing!
Me: Right!!! dont it? but then it got me thinking ... wait ... this wouldnt be heaven for everyone so what is the deal? Well maybe everyone can agree on the fried chicken... and the people that aint down with the chicken probably belong in hell. ... Heaven?
Jesus: What were you just telling me earlier?
Jesus: I'm already not liking how this is starting
Me: I think i was having one of those not so great days
Jesus: Are you gonna start whining? You know I ain't got time for that shit
Me: no but... Hey why you gotta be all crass n shit. I'm like... sensative
Jesus: Did you just pull a stinky lump of shit out your ass n serve it like its fried chicken? The Colonel aint playin that
Me: Wow Fried Chicken sounds amazing!
Jesus: Uh uh. Dont try to avoid this topic... Dont tell me you're mr sensative when you got all these walls up. And if I were to come at you all sweet and sappy like that 2 footsteps in the sand suddenly turning into 1 set of steps crap, that other christians eat up, you would just barf ... immediately. You hate that sappy shit
Me: Damn... this is why you're Jesus. Perfect, you know how to come at me perfectly
Jesus: Now finish your story
Me: OK so I think I might actually have been thinking about food and knowing I need to work out and lose weight, or maybe I was thinking about wanting a boyfriend but always seem to only fall for straight guys
Jesus: thats def possible, that last one is always on your mind.
Me: So I was just kinda wandering in thought and thinking about how great it would be if things were perfect, like eat what i want with no consequences, not have to work, money not ever being an issue/problem. And my mind naturally started wandering towards hot ass boys
Jesus: Naturally... what everyone wants... of course
Me: Right! So I started thinking about heaven. And this got me thinking what heaven would be like, cuz the perfect heaven would have half or fully naked boys everywhere and they would all be kinda dorky and in love with me .... well not all of them, and jizz wouldnt be sticky, and there would be no children, and I could pluck fried chicken from trees without getting fat or getting my fingers dirty n greasy... BUT somehow still be able to lick my fingers and get flavor from holding the chicken
Jesus: That last part does sound amazing!
Me: Right!!! dont it? but then it got me thinking ... wait ... this wouldnt be heaven for everyone so what is the deal? Well maybe everyone can agree on the fried chicken... and the people that aint down with the chicken probably belong in hell. ... Heaven?
Jesus: What were you just telling me earlier?
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Nudge
Me: So I was kinda bummed cuz 2 new positions opened up in QA. I really wanted Ijeoma to join us but she didnt bother applying
Jesus: Ahhhh are you lonely?
Me: Ya actually I am really lonely. Can't you just drop some hotness on my lap so I can have my boyfriend and move one?
Jesus: Your fragile little soul can't handle the heat
Me: Anyways, while I didnt get Ijeoma to come over, Holly is really seat a great. The really exciting thing is, that we were just chatting naturally about everything as we worked. We dont have the exact same goals but we already agreed to push each other to write every day. I'm really happy and excited about this.
Jesus: It's nice to have little outside forces nudge you along
Me: Can ya do a little better at that? .. like make the next little nudge not so little? and more of like a pump and grind? A really good hard...
....
Me: Hello? ... Hello?
Jesus: Ahhhh are you lonely?
Me: Ya actually I am really lonely. Can't you just drop some hotness on my lap so I can have my boyfriend and move one?
Jesus: Your fragile little soul can't handle the heat
Me: Anyways, while I didnt get Ijeoma to come over, Holly is really seat a great. The really exciting thing is, that we were just chatting naturally about everything as we worked. We dont have the exact same goals but we already agreed to push each other to write every day. I'm really happy and excited about this.
Jesus: It's nice to have little outside forces nudge you along
Me: Can ya do a little better at that? .. like make the next little nudge not so little? and more of like a pump and grind? A really good hard...
....
Me: Hello? ... Hello?
Sunday, January 14, 2007
I already know
Me: I just realised that EVERY day this week since my last blog on here I have woken up around the same time, well before my alarm clark was set to go off
Jesus: I know
Me: Just the week before the alarm was barely able to get me up
Jesus: I know
Me: But I didnt do anything productive with this time.
Jesus: Yup
Me: You dont say much do you?
Jesus: Is there anything for me to say that you dont arleady...
Me: I know ...
Jesus: I know
Me: Just the week before the alarm was barely able to get me up
Jesus: I know
Me: But I didnt do anything productive with this time.
Jesus: Yup
Me: You dont say much do you?
Jesus: Is there anything for me to say that you dont arleady...
Me: I know ...
Monday, January 8, 2007
Clean out
Me: So its the weekend and I woke up before Noon... AND cleaned my bathroom!
Jesus: WOW! I should grant you immediate access to heaven for that
Me: Yeah somehow I've convinced myself that this is a major accomplishment worthy of praise...
Jesus: I'm hiding away my nail marks on my hands because they are sooooo unworthy next to your greatness, hold on while I open the pearly gates for you right now and bestow VIP access to heaven
Me: I even cleaned house on my computer... but I'm not done yet. So that deserves some angel wings too..
Jesus: OK I'll toss you your fairy wings, you deserve that.
Me: Thanks for that... I finally moved my alarm to the other side of the room so I cant automatically snooze it. I seriously do need help with consistantly waking up earlier and getting more accomplished in the day... Like maybe you can send down a small harmless but annoying bolt of lighting at about 9:45 every morning?
Jesus: Ya sure, lets just clean ourselves of self motivation as well...
Me: Hey Im trying here. School starts in a little over a week. I havent used the break in school to study Italian or write. Im trying to get myself on a daily schedule... I do need help. For some reason I've just been stuck in the sloth like routine of nothingness.
Jesus: Well it's quite appropriate that the day the were able to get your fatass out of bed earlier you also wiped things clean, and fresh
Jesus: WOW! I should grant you immediate access to heaven for that
Me: Yeah somehow I've convinced myself that this is a major accomplishment worthy of praise...
Jesus: I'm hiding away my nail marks on my hands because they are sooooo unworthy next to your greatness, hold on while I open the pearly gates for you right now and bestow VIP access to heaven
Me: I even cleaned house on my computer... but I'm not done yet. So that deserves some angel wings too..
Jesus: OK I'll toss you your fairy wings, you deserve that.
Me: Thanks for that... I finally moved my alarm to the other side of the room so I cant automatically snooze it. I seriously do need help with consistantly waking up earlier and getting more accomplished in the day... Like maybe you can send down a small harmless but annoying bolt of lighting at about 9:45 every morning?
Jesus: Ya sure, lets just clean ourselves of self motivation as well...
Me: Hey Im trying here. School starts in a little over a week. I havent used the break in school to study Italian or write. Im trying to get myself on a daily schedule... I do need help. For some reason I've just been stuck in the sloth like routine of nothingness.
Jesus: Well it's quite appropriate that the day the were able to get your fatass out of bed earlier you also wiped things clean, and fresh
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