Heaven

Me: So I was thinking...

Jesus: I'm already not liking how this is starting

Me: I think i was having one of those not so great days

Jesus: Are you gonna start whining? You know I ain't got time for that shit

Me: no but... Hey why you gotta be all crass n shit. I'm like... sensative

Jesus: Did you just pull a stinky lump of shit out your ass n serve it like its fried chicken? The Colonel aint playin that

Me: Wow Fried Chicken sounds amazing!

Jesus: Uh uh. Dont try to avoid this topic... Dont tell me you're mr sensative when you got all these walls up. And if I were to come at you all sweet and sappy like that 2 footsteps in the sand suddenly turning into 1 set of steps crap, that other christians eat up, you would just barf ... immediately. You hate that sappy shit

Me: Damn... this is why you're Jesus. Perfect, you know how to come at me perfectly

Jesus: Now finish your story

Me: OK so I think I might actually have been thinking about food and knowing I need to work out and lose weight, or maybe I was thinking about wanting a boyfriend but always seem to only fall for straight guys

Jesus: thats def possible, that last one is always on your mind.

Me: So I was just kinda wandering in thought and thinking about how great it would be if things were perfect, like eat what i want with no consequences, not have to work, money not ever being an issue/problem. And my mind naturally started wandering towards hot ass boys

Jesus: Naturally... what everyone wants... of course

Me: Right! So I started thinking about heaven. And this got me thinking what heaven would be like, cuz the perfect heaven would have half or fully naked boys everywhere and they would all be kinda dorky and in love with me .... well not all of them, and jizz wouldnt be sticky, and there would be no children, and I could pluck fried chicken from trees without getting fat or getting my fingers dirty n greasy... BUT somehow still be able to lick my fingers and get flavor from holding the chicken

Jesus: That last part does sound amazing!

Me: Right!!! dont it? but then it got me thinking ... wait ... this wouldnt be heaven for everyone so what is the deal? Well maybe everyone can agree on the fried chicken... and the people that aint down with the chicken probably belong in hell. ... Heaven?

Jesus: What were you just telling me earlier?

Nudge

Me: So I was kinda bummed cuz 2 new positions opened up in QA. I really wanted Ijeoma to join us but she didnt bother applying

Jesus: Ahhhh are you lonely?

Me: Ya actually I am really lonely. Can't you just drop some hotness on my lap so I can have my boyfriend and move one?

Jesus: Your fragile little soul can't handle the heat

Me: Anyways, while I didnt get Ijeoma to come over, Holly is really seat a great. The really exciting thing is, that we were just chatting naturally about everything as we worked. We dont have the exact same goals but we already agreed to push each other to write every day. I'm really happy and excited about this.

Jesus: It's nice to have little outside forces nudge you along

Me: Can ya do a little better at that? .. like make the next little nudge not so little? and more of like a pump and grind? A really good hard...

....

Me: Hello? ... Hello?

I already know

Me: I just realised that EVERY day this week since my last blog on here I have woken up around the same time, well before my alarm clark was set to go off

Jesus: I know

Me: Just the week before the alarm was barely able to get me up

Jesus: I know

Me: But I didnt do anything productive with this time.

Jesus: Yup

Me: You dont say much do you?

Jesus: Is there anything for me to say that you dont arleady...

Me: I know ...

Clean out

Me: So its the weekend and I woke up before Noon... AND cleaned my bathroom!

Jesus: WOW! I should grant you immediate access to heaven for that

Me: Yeah somehow I've convinced myself that this is a major accomplishment worthy of praise...

Jesus: I'm hiding away my nail marks on my hands because they are sooooo unworthy next to your greatness, hold on while I open the pearly gates for you right now and bestow VIP access to heaven

Me: I even cleaned house on my computer... but I'm not done yet. So that deserves some angel wings too..

Jesus: OK I'll toss you your fairy wings, you deserve that.

Me: Thanks for that... I finally moved my alarm to the other side of the room so I cant automatically snooze it. I seriously do need help with consistantly waking up earlier and getting more accomplished in the day... Like maybe you can send down a small harmless but annoying bolt of lighting at about 9:45 every morning?

Jesus: Ya sure, lets just clean ourselves of self motivation as well...

Me: Hey Im trying here. School starts in a little over a week. I havent used the break in school to study Italian or write. Im trying to get myself on a daily schedule... I do need help. For some reason I've just been stuck in the sloth like routine of nothingness.

Jesus: Well it's quite appropriate that the day the were able to get your fatass out of bed earlier you also wiped things clean, and fresh

The Hoff

Me: So this morning I was watching the E channel... True Hollywood Stories, or something like that

Jesus: I'm glad to see that you are making the most of your time on earth

Me: I know, right? It was just on while I'm getting outta bed and waking up

Jesus: "Thou shalt not kill... your braincells"

Me: OK OK. So anyways... It was the story of David Hasselhoff

Jesus: Well then, why didnt you say so to begin with? This is obviously quality time... All your sins are forgiven now

Me: Ya, so it was really hard to watch... At one point he actually said something really close to "...And that is when I knew that people could no longer see me as the perfect hero". .... PERFECT HERO!

And later he actually said "There is David Hasselhoff (still referring to himself in this grandiose manner), ... and then there is... The Hoff"

OH MY GAWD!!! He just referred to himself as "The Hoff", ...And he was serious! And even more proud and in awe of "The Hoff", then he was of "David Hasselhoff" . And you could really see the glow, cockyness, and reverence in his eyes and body when referencing "The Hoff" and how soooo cool he thought "The Hoff" is

WHY GOD WHY?!?!?!? Why is a man like this successful? Why is he rich and on TV for the world to see?

Jesus: This is the work of the Devil

Right on

Me: So I'm really self centered and arrogant at times

Jesus: I should compliment you on how truthful you can be

Me: Ya, thanks for that

Me: Hey .... sideorder: Are you sarcastic with everyone

Jesus: People hear what they are listening for and what they are ready to hear

Me: damn... I was waiting for you to tell me lottery numbers, what slot machine to put money into, that I'll fall in love tomorrow, and that I will be offered a directing job with complete creative control before I am done with college even...

Jesus: You're not ready for that

Me: Shit... ya I am... Hey remember when the voices told me to Gamble at Green Valley Ranch Casino at like 1am and I wouldnt listen, but they kept telling me to, and missed the exit and almost went to another casion instead and they told me "No idiot, we said Green Valley Ranch Casino... tonight" Then I won like $2500!?!?!?

Jesus: Ya goodtimes

Me: Can you do that again... this time make it millions and throw in a boyfriend?

Jesus: ... Sorry I wasnt paying attention ... No... the answer to your 1st question is No, Not everyone

Me: I think I have your frequency on delay.

Me: So back to being arrogant and full of myself...

Jesus: Oh ...more of that? You didnt get enought the 1st time?

Me: So I actually think I am turning into a great writer with a very unique view, slant, voice etc blah blah blah.... This, bye the way would be an excellent example of my writing prowess...

So Im think Im slowly turning into an amazing writer and always felt I was a great storyteller... a master even

Jesus: I'm sensing there is some sort of but...

Me: Wow, this is why yo're Jesus and Im .... hmmmm

Jesus: Have a loss of words there Mr amazing writer?

Me: Well ya.. that is just it. I do think that I can be amazing and even have moments of brilliance... my own brand of brilliance. and here is the but

Jesus: Im not sure if I Iwanna see your but...

Me: Anyays, While I seem to have not doubt to my own splendor and greatness, I dont have much to show for it, or prove. I have a script that is 1/4 to 1/3 done, a few short animated videos, some short little writing blurbs, chicken scratch notes and ideas, and some blogs. Yet I have this unshakable feeling of greatness confidence and destiny when it comes to storytelling and now writing. I dont know where it comes from

Jesus: That would be me. I made this

Me: Ya thanks for thatI do have this sense of being, ownership, self importance and arrogance but I dont have anything to show for it or much to back it up. Quite a few times I feel the desire or need to write, yet I get stuck and have no idea what to write. I'll sit there foever with nothing

Jesus: just write stop thinking. Isnt this part of the reason fore this paritular insane blog

Me: Right, write... right

so clear but so unheard

Me: I think I found a song that is made specifically for me!

Jeus: Ya Sure

Me: It's called Lazy Eye. It's remisniscent of Smashing Pumpkins, and has the ever building crescendo that is just waiting to exlode that I love in songs. And the lyrics... well at least some of them, fit perfect:

"I've been waiting
i've been waiting for this moment all my life
but it's not quite right

and this 'real'
it's impossible if possible
at who's blind word
so clear but so unheard

i've been waiting
i've been waiting for this silence all night long
it's just a matter of time"

The song is so fuckin good I've been listeing to it nonstop

Jesus: Ya I know

Me: Its just soooo good you have to hear it

Jesus: Um ya, I have. Like every time I dial in to your head frequency that damn song is playing. It's like I'm QAing your calls and keep hearing the same call

Me: So you've heard it, isnt fuckin amazing

Jesus: Imagine you are at working scoring a Phone Rep's call QA boy... Im scoring this call... "Active Listening" you get a ZERO

Me: Some of the lyrics are kinda lame but certain ones hit me...like of course:

"I've been waiting
i've been waiting for this moment all my life
but it's not quite right"

but also the lines:

"and this 'real'
it's impossible if possible
at who's blind word
so clear but so unheard"

Jesus: Hello? can you hear me? This is why you called? Hello? You put that damn song on repeat again.

Me: Well... I went to the mall

Jesus: My favorite place on Earth of course, I might even rank it above the Grand Canyon...

Me: I saw cute starbucks boy... but thats even lamer to bring up. I need some kind of a real crush... that was the last one I had and that was so lame, I want to feel more than that for some other boy

"I've been waiting
i've been waiting for this moment all my life
but it's not quite right"

I just... didnt want to put that topic on repeat... but there it is

Jesus: Most people are broken records... Even though you pull out your favorites often, at least you keeping looking for new ones to play

Hungover Jesus Java 2

Me: So I'm a little bummed out

Jesus: This tear's just for you

Me: Was that sarcasm?

Jesus: What? God cant crack a joke... I made you didnt I?

Me: ya... Thanks for that

Jesus: Who says I can't make a funny?

Me: Church

Jesus: They're so serious n shit

Me: So anyways, I'm kinda lonely after last nite.

Jesus: What happened ...

Me: Well I was drinking with Ijeoma, Tiffany and Jim and.... Hey dont you already know this?

Jesus: Of course, but no one like a know it all, and conversations/stories just flow better if I sprinkle a little "Really? ...Tell me about" here and there

Me: gotcha...

Jesus: So you were gonna say that Jim bummed you out.. (sarcastic grin)

Me: ya thanks for that... Ya so he mentioned looking forward to seeing some girl at someplace and that got us on the conversation of having that anxious tingly feeling when you are attracted to someone or like someone... I havent had that feeling in a long time...

And not just that initial feeling . I want to feel like some boy is attracted to me, I want to feel love.

Jesus: I love you (sarcastic grin)

Me: (laughs) OHMYGAWD!!! arg!

Jesus: Yes?

Me: ARG!

Jesus: How can I help you

Me: ARG quit it, I hate you

Jesus: No you don't... Liar... thats like 1000 hell points for you right there.

Me: I want a boy to say he loves me

Jesus: Jesus loves you

Me: I know Quit it! ... I mean like in a homo way (laughs)

Jesus: How do you know that's not what I meant?

Me: Oh that aint right

Jesus: Just messng with ya, you know playin Devil's advocate (snicker)

Me: I just want a boy to fall in love with me and tell me he loves me

Jesus: When is the last time you let yourself fall in love and told a boy you loved him?

...

Hungover Jesus Java 1

Me: What up Jesus?

Jesus: What up with you Homoslice?

Me: Dude... why you gotta be like that?

Jesus: I calls it like I seez it

Me: wha...?

Jesus: I keeps it 4 real

Me: What? Why are you talking like that?

Jesus: What? They're my words, I created them

Me: ... (speechless)

Jesus: I speak truth ... bitch

Me: Whooo cussing? What happened to "thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vein"

Jesus: Hold up, ... Is my name bitch? You calling me a bitch, bitch

Me: I need some coffee ... and water

Jesus: Ya, I created them (all cheesy smiles)

Me: ya ... thanks for that. (all cheesy smiles)